We are stillllllll going. Because, that’s what you do, right? When you sign up to parent? Of course usually you don’t jump in the deep end with bricks on your feet during your first swim lesson. Have I mentioned it’s just A LOT right now?
My job is not a “job”. I never get to leave it behind. I work way too much, with WAAAAYYY too much emotional investment in my job. I am answerable to the harshest mistresss (me) and my colleagues, and my clients, and the court’s timelines, and there is no time off, unless you are literally hospitalized – and then only sometimes. I’ve worked 36 straight hours, while on vacation in Europe, the Caribbean, and Canada, and from under a table at a science fiction convention. I’m writing this blog from a hotel on an overnight work trip. My colleagues have taken work calls in an ambulance after a heart attack and have written submissions while hospitalized. And I am NOT a “type A” personality. I’m just stubborn with an overwhelming fear of failure. So all that spare capacity – that energy that you use to deal with dumb shit, or pain, or minor frustrations with your spouse, or not getting enough sleep – has already been all used up on my job.
And now, we are bringing a new little girl that is a huge ball of chaos, intensity, and frustration, into our home and it just feels impossible; even just trying to give her constant positive love is like a full-contact emotional sport. It is exhausting and there is a moment when it becomes nearly impossible to say “I love you so much” when what I WANT to say is “Why the hell can’t you just do the thing I say to do, and NOT do the thing I say NOT to do? WHY?! YOU UNDERSTAND WORDS!”
There is just nothing left of me and I am so terrified that I cannot be what this girl needs – and that, in my darkest most honest moments, I really don’t WANT TO. Do we ever REALLY want to take the absolute fucking hardest path? Wouldn’t it be nice if JUST ONCE it was something easy and nice? I don’t WANT to never have personal time again, to never go out with adults again, I don’t WANT to spend every night not sleeping with my partner, I don’t WANT to work extra hours at night when I’m already short on sleep (because our kids just refuse to sleep) because I have to go to more foster care license training, family therapy, intensive day-treatment, and IEP meetings. I don’t WANT to never be able to travel again and to lose the last vestiges of the me that had fun and excitement and adventure.
But of course I DO want to do it – because I don’t HAVE to do this, I’ve chosen it. And, I AM doing it – we are already all-in – we told this little girl she is coming to live with us and that she will never again have to move in with a new family or wonder what her future holds again. 
You don’t say that shit unless you already committed.
There are so many things that are not terrible. She does SO MUCH BETTER with us than she does at her current foster home – which of course makes us feel even more stressed out and guilty because it’s still about three weeks until she is permanently with us (OMG it’s less than three weeks until this is permanent and happening!). She is clearly not a sociopath, she loves our animals and desperately WANTS to be loved and close – she just has no idea how to have any sort of healthy relationship. She seems to respond much better to men than women, which is going to be a constant source of stress for ME, but also, my male partner is the one who is going to be home with her full time so it’s maybe a perfect situation for her and certainly better than the reverse. We have a great therapist that gives me hope every time I meet with her. I cannot overstate how amazing my family and friends are, including listening to me think and feel horrible things and not being judgmental and instead being as supportive as humanly possible. It’s just … A LOT.