So yeah, it’s a MESS OUT THERE YA’LL and no one is more aware of it than our household. Totally thought I had the ‘Rona, and was SO RELIEVED that it turned out I was just regular crappy sick! But, it turns out everyone ELSE does have “the virus” (as my kids call it) and so no one can ever leave their homes again and X3 cannot go to school any more and will presumably scream for the rest of our lives.
My work is overwhelming and somehow harder to do even while I am doing significantly less while working entirely from home, and the winter holidays – whatever that means this year – are staring us in our shell-shocked faces. In this time of entirely-fucked-ness, verily I say unto you all that I am beyond thankful to have a three-year old right now, bringing, pure, unadulterated, EXTRA into my life every second.
I was never sure I would LIKE parenting. I knew I would commit and go all in and that I would find a way to enjoy many aspects but I didn’t know if I would ever feel that YES it was a better choice for me to have children than to not have children.
So, no one was more shocked than me that I absolutely fucking loved having a baby. My partner, who desperately WANTED a baby, loathed having one for at least the first six months – and at least a little flabbergasted and annoyed that I was pretty into it. I just really loved it. It wasn’t easy, it was super, duper, hard, and overwhelming, and exhausting, and constant, and stressful. But it turns out I love snuggly, warm, good-smelling things, and I love watching someone grow and learn, and I found most parts of having a baby delightful, and our baby (except for NEVER SLEEPING) was a pretty easy happy baby! It also is true that I was working full time, which has its own guilt and stress and exhaustion, but also meant that I was never in “all baby all the time my identity and life are gone this is the worst” like stay-at-home parents regularly experience
Well my baby is NOT a baby anymore, and it is both absolutely amazing and so so sad. I really love watching her grow and learn, but it is both super hard and fantastic to watch that babyness fade and to see the little big girl that is showing up in her place.
THIS IS THREE
Joy, delight, excitement, learning, development, independence.
X2 is a fucking delight. She wakes up late at night every night (yep, we are at plus 3 years, and she still doesn’t sleep through the night. She just has never been a good sleeper, and we have chosen not to sleep train) and I either sleep with her the rest of the night (in her full size bed, under X3’s bunk bed), or she comes and crawls into bed with my partner and I (in our king size bed with two adults, the dog, and the two cats. One night X3 crawled in with us and with one kid on either side and the dog sleeping on my legs I just about died. TOO MUCH EVEN FOR ME!). Simply giving in and co-sleeping has made our lives so much easier and more sleep is had by all, and especially by ME, which is a great relief. Plus honestly, I just really really like sleeping with my baby.
I explained to X2 recently that little tiny babies like to be wrapped up like burritos. But we don’t eat many burritos at our house, so she translated “burrito” to “taco”. So now in the middle of the night if she’s having trouble relaxing and getting back to sleep I hear “mom? mom, you wrap me tight like a baby-taco?” AND I SUBMIT IT IS BEYOND CUTE.
I used to sing to her in the morning, and she didn’t catch the words, but she caught the idea, so when she wants to wake up in the morning she will put her face by mine and sing “good morning, good morning, I love to see you good morning”. AWWWWWWW.
We’ve never been big on material things, and I literally cannot remember what I got her for any birthday or Christmas before now. But now EVERY SINGLE THING I SEE I WANT TO BUY FOR HER THIS YEAR, because she is at the developmental age and experimental stage where she would be absolutely ECSTATIC to receive (1) a cash register!, (2) a rocket-ship!, (3) a doctor kit!, (4) literally EVERYTHING! She is right there for magic, and I want to give her every magical experience and moment.
Her favorite activity is jumping on one leg, and she does it with intention and attention. She works hard at it and really practices it. She’s also into general jumping increasingly off of higher things and most recently jumping sideways with both feet over something. Generally, jumping is a pretty cool thing.
She’s learning shapes and can draw a circle and the letter H. She can recognize M as Momma, and Moon. Her motor skills recently are going crazy, she’s starting to color more in the lines, but she mostly doesn’t like to color, she wants to draw her own pictures. She has the concept of people shapes which is fascinating because X3 still can’t get people shapes (but is making otherwise cool and interesting art – I’m thinking people might be a weird hang-up based on her history). Her motor skills are just developing like crazy right now!
She loves the animals, (especially Harkness, who is somewhat less than interested in kids), and learning, and is more independent with her play than X3.
She will do her own thing for 20+ minutes at a time; she wants to know you are THERE, but she can often do something solo, which seems amazing. She wants attention from me more than my partner (rather than solo play) but that makes sense because I work and so my time and attention is a scarcer resource.
Every day she gets better at dressing herself, brushing her teeth, putting away her own laundry, and generally being independent. She wants to do EVERYTHING herself and woe to the person who attempts to do it for her.
She is simply full of joy and delight and it is, luckily, contagious.
Of course, three is not only pure joy. It is also pure misery…
THIS IS THREE
Rage, sadness, exhaustion, boundary-pushing.
WOOOH GOODNESS, they also weren’t kidding about the three-year old tantrums! It’s SO MUCH. In addition to age-appropriate, she has also learned some unfortunate behaviors from X3, so her BIG is VERY BIG.
Hilariously, she has also been learning all of X3’s social emotional coping strategies – so she knows that she needs to take deep breaths to calm down, and knows lots of ways to do it. But’s she’s still three, so that is a very hit or miss proposition.
A tragic and common occurrence is a tantrum meltdown, which has screaming and crying, during which she realizes she is giving herself a headache by screaming and crying, and then cries and screams “I DON’T WANT MY HEAD TO HURT” but without the control to actually calm down. Poor baby.
She is 100% a PITA to her sister and sometimes to us. She is jealous of hugs to X3, and unfair and demanding of everything for herself. She hits and kicks and tantrums when she doesn’t get what she wants – which is like, pretty often, because she’s three and doesn’t have a whole lot of autonomy on the day’s happenings.
She fully potty trained right at 3, like a freaking charm one day it was just …. done. BUT NOW…she has like 5+ accidents a day, (1) “I peed a little in my underwear”; (2) “I WAS ALMOST THERE”; (3) I was too comfy… She won’t wear a pull-up, she INSISTS on wearing underwear, she WILL. NOT. GO. if asked, directed, suggested, or otherwise cajoled (“let’s hop on one foot to the bathroom! let’s run to the bathroom, let’s go together, etc.) but also she has a total meltdown when she has an accident. We are in the proverbial no-win situation. Believe me, I have truly, truly, to my bones, felt the fear of having no good options and seeing clearly the inevitable tragic outcome. Silver lining: my bathroom floors are so much cleaner than I would likely keep them otherwise!
She is also pushing boundaries all the time, trying to get away with things, needing to do it herself, getting VERY ANGRY when a boundary or limit is imposed. And, oh, my achy-breaky heart, when my three-year old says “I no want you anymore. You not my mom” when she gets mad… it is honestly is both ridiculous and painful. Because it is the greatest fear of an adoptive mom; that those words will be true one day after a lifetime of love. And, because until now, she ALWAYS wanted me (spoiler: she still does! She’s just trying to get a reaction!). Until recently I was always able to calm her with co-regulation/deep-breathing , but now she won’t let me hold her close when she is very upset and it is just one more sign she is growing up.
Just not toooooo fast, please, baby, baby, please.