I’m sitting in my bed at 9:00 p.m., eating third lunch, and getting ready to go to sleep at my now-standard time of 9:30. It’s not dinner, because this morning I brought a large amount of delicious best-friend-shepard-pie to work for lunches for today and tomorrow. At 11:00 a.m. I ate lunch. At 2:30 p.m. I could not resist knowing it was sitting in the fridge and ate second lunch. When I got home at 8:15 p.m., my partner had already eaten (logically) and so I figured I’d eat the second small tupperware of the same leftovers. Third lunch.
Things are still a little hard and also way better but sometimes not as much better as I want. You know? Like, I had an AMAZING weekend at the cabin with besties. But there is a little moment as I am going to bed before everyone, and getting up in the night with little, and getting up early with little, that I am … wistful … that even with being able to bring baby with, and everyone loving and being great about it, my role in the world is just different. Still great! But in moments where everyone else can be the same as we always were, it’s bitter-sweet to be in different. I still got lots of great and same and always and that was so nice! But still…different.
Along those lines, we have made a hard decision that we will NOT be going out for NYE. Even though my beyond-freaking-amazing sister said she would spend the night at our house with baby including the middle of the night feeding/wake-up. It just doesn’t feel right – it’s really not reasonable to ask someone to take on the task of middle of the night baby needs which range from very best scenario (to bed at normal time, with one 1/2 hour to hour middle of the night feeding and soothing) to worst (up every 1/2 hour, inconsolable). And, if we are out and partying down, we are not available to come home or make good decisions if something goes wrong and we get an emergency call. And if we are too hung over to be functional the next day and be excited and fun, we are not being good parents to our little. Making this decision was both super hard and really relieving.
And, before anyone says anything about the relative unimportance of NYE let me invite you to fudge right off and make your value judgments about YOUR life. NYE is my absolute MOST favorite holiday of the year. Not because of being “wasted” (my first pregnancy was on NYE and only the BFF and partner knew I was entirely sober and still having a lovely time). It’s because after the stress of every family pulling every direction, and needing presents, and end-of the-year work goals, and just general meeting of every need and obligation, I always spend NYE dressing up and getting down with my most important people – not every single important, sadly – but a concerted effort to spend that night celebrating the past and welcoming the future with the people I have chosen to hold close to my heart. NYE is about new beginnings, about taking stock of where you are, who you are, where you want to go, who you want to be, and how you want to achieve those goals. It’s about remembering where you’ve been and acknowledging the work, and sorrow, and disappointments, and successes, and joy, of the last year.
If I never ever hear another person complain about how NY resolutions are stupid, or caring about new years is stupid because it’s an arbitrary date and each day is the same, I will still have heard too many whiny people spitting on other people’s joy for no good reason. Marking the passage of time has meaning, and is important to different people in different ways. Sometimes, the only way I have gotten through an emotionally dark time is knowing that time DOES pass and even pure unadulterated misery cannot stop new days from dawning and things changing and, eventually, something pleasurable or joyful from happening. A former partner asked me why I loved each new month and especially each new year and I said, “it’s a new year (or just month), ANYTHING can happen!” I LOVE that feeling!! And when I realize I haven’t been having that feeling, it’s a sign I need to slow down and find a way to be present and take time to rest and renew.
We are in a place where I spend a LOT of time reflecting (despite feeling like I have no time to just BE). I know I will be both sad and happy about my decision on NYE. I know that this next year is going to bring some significant emotional journeying. I know I will find a way to spend time with my most important people on NYE at some point – just different. And I may even find myself going to bed at 9:30 and wishing that I had yet more lunch.