Forward progress is so exciting, backwards slides are the worst!!
After a few great weeks of sleeping either through the night or at least putting herself back to sleep after waking up, X3 has been up screaming three nights in a row. It is so sad… and so FRUSTRATING. A long close look at life seems to show she has been triggered by my super-intense stress over the last few weeks. This kid is actually EXACTLY like me (although expresses differently) – she is hyper vigilant to the moods of those around her and she has a mind like a steel trap for any event where she is wronged or feels an injustice. It’s not exactly less stressful to know that I have to hide my stress more to prevent days of meltdowns and screaming all night. But it’s also ok to remind myself that I am going to just have to (somehow? some day?) decrease the level of intensity that I am bringing home. It also shows we CAN help her get herself back into feeling secure – I came home early two nights and spent two evenings giving really intense “mom loves you always” repeated feedback and time – voila! Wake up crying, but put herself back to bed!
Hilariously, we have been specifically instructed to let her watch more TV and movies!! Here we are, trying to be perfect parents, with activities and learning and outings and imagination games and educational games all the time…turns out, between therapy every day, and starting school, and sleeping alone, she is freaking EXHAUSTED and OVERWHELMED at the constant “trying hard”. We are supposed to give her time to literally zone out and turn her brain off. OK! This I can do!!
Unfortunately, X2 is ALSO screaming, day and night. This experience confirms that early attachment (I.e. starting parenting a child right from the beginning) makes a huge difference in getting through the hard times – baby really IS kind of awful right now, but it is (usually) not as emotionally overwhelming as jumping in to hard behavior with a stranger you want to make your child was.
Currently, X2 just SCREAMS whenever:
she is not being held
is being held but wants to get down
the food is over
a dangerous toy is taken away
she is redirected to a less desireable activity
her diaper is changed
And so on! And now, she has a cold, is teething, and maybe going through a sleep regression. The last two weeks she has been waking up, screaming, then going back to sleep. Last night, (first night X3 managed not to wake up screaming) she screamed ALL NIGHT! And she liked being held, but still would not SLEEP. There was a middle of the night moment where I wondered how we made it through those first 9 months where she just didn’t sleep unless being held…but last night she wouldn’t sleep EVEN being held. I really feel for parents whose children just CRY endlessly – this was our first time being really inconsolable and unsleeping and it was horrible! She was thrilled to get up in the morning and play with alternating screaming inconsolably so I know she just doesn’t feel good, but I’m not sure what to DO!! She’s too little for anything but baby painkillers, and they’ve had no effect. I have a really hard time with things I cannot control or solve – this I CANNOT do!!
So, I’m debating taking two sickish crabby kids to a fall outdoor festival while it’s 40 degrees out, because they both stop screaming when we get outdoors. I think the Finnish would approve. Or, sitting at home stewing in my likely better decision that has less judgemental looks.