We are at one of the many moments of major change.
Baby X 3 moves in next week! She has expressed that she wants this, which is about the biggest win we could have in this complicated and heartbreaking story. We have talked a lot about the concept of small-ball family – we are going to be a family, everyone who lives in our house, and we also have lots of other people we love, that wrap around us like a bigger ball – that’s our big-ball (teehee) family. Family is the people we love and the people that take care of us and keep us safe. She seems into the concept – but like, with all the ups and downs of uncertainty and change that you can expect in a little person with no history of stability.
Last weekend went MUCH BETTER than the weekend before, although I will note that I was already on the floor in tears by 9:00 a.m. on Saturday as the result of a long, nearly inexplicable, saga about shoes, which was specifically designed to trigger all my control issues (and was 99% NOT even remotely the fault of babyX3). But it came after a very intense Friday night that included her refusing to get in the car and instead throwing every single item out of it while screaming at me to “pick it up”. She doesn’t handle transitions super-well…
Thank GOODNESS for my brother, bonus-sis, and niece, and nephew, who accepted that we were not going to make it without backup and totally allowed us to come with to their already-scheduled pancake breakfast. Outings, park time, other kidlets, playing outside, and stream of “big-ball family” visitors meant that the day went as well as could humanly be hoped. BUT the more relaxed our kidel gets, the more insight we are given into her history and emotional status; end-of-day bathtime involved incredibly intense violent make-believe play with her toys. Stories of threatened beatings, shootings, calling the police; she actually broke the soap tray right out of the wall she was intense (not her fault, no one was angry!). Her therapist has said to let her process and that the best signs of trust is her letting us join her in her play, so we let it go as long as she needs (with occasional requests to lower her voice a small amount since baby is sleeping right next to bathroom).
Oh, therapy! THERAPY! I cannot overstate how helpful therapy has already been in (1) helping US feel supported and like there is longterm possibility for healing and good relationships; and (2) giving us practical statements that have ACTUALLY HELPED in the moment. An actually helpful foster-class suggested leaning into negative behaviors in safe ways if you can – i.e. kid throwing things? Offer to sit down and throw soft things (pillows, stuffies, etc.) with them. So easy, and so not intuitive to me! Totally did this and it WORKED PERFECTLY a few weeks ago – throwing things has not been a thing since.
Recently, the therapist reminded us to look for the need triggering the behavior and suggested that our little miss both wants the attention the baby gets and never had the chance to be a full baby that she should have. Leaning into that idea, we have responded to her like the baby and she has actually been asking for baby-specific things: Carry me like a baby? feed me like a baby? This is again, SO EASY, and she has responded so well! And, hopefully, is getting those long-term needs met and learning that we love her AND the baby. It’s almost re-attachment-parenting. Being so intensely present and constantly available and fulfilling any and all needs until she is safe and secure enough that she WANTS to be a big girl and feels safe to explore the world, not feeling that everything is survival mode. It’s not EASY but it makes SENSE and is a practical thing we can do!
This week and weekend we are having our last time without babyX3 because I am travelling for work, and then we are out of town for the weekend. It’s been a time to refocus on baby, who is growing, developing, chirping, starting to move around in funny ways that aren’t crawling but are purposeful (often still backwards), and DEFINITELY now knows who her parents are; she is still a friendly happy baby, but she is always clocking us, and doesn’t like to be set down to play on her own much. She has been giving sleep a try for the last few days, which has been downright miraculous – we are not counting on it lasting.