Whether or not it is time, I am finally, maybe, ready to start again, as the current me – whoever that turns out to be. It is not who I was three years ago. I swear I am absolutely, entirely, completely, willing to do some growing that does not involve the most intense pain; but that does not seem to be my style as of yet in this life.
There will be some changes. First, no more baby-x#; it’s not working as a thing, and this is the right time to change. I have an older and a younger, and for the foreseeable future that’s how I will write about them.
And, if you can believe it, this will be more personal. More self-journal and growth and how that is experienced through the lens of parenting these amazing, beautiful, challenging, heartbreaking, wonderful, difficult, strong, damaged, and growing children, rather than more solely focused on the specific experience of parenting children through adoption from foster care. Because once you go all in on parenting children from trauma you live, night and day, in the what-ifs and why-fors of your children’s trauma, your family’s trauma, historical societal trauma, and most certainly your own trauma. If you are doing this right, every moment of your life is changed. First secret: children do not change – you, as a parent, either change to meet their needs so they can grow into yourself, or you fail your children and contribute to traumatizing them further. Those are the only options. I refuse to fail these children. I know I have grown and changed; I do not know how much more growth is needed, or how I will experience it. Likely reluctantly and painfully, with a lot of looking backwards and saying “why didn’t I just??”.
The entire last year has been working through and surviving the most painful attachment trauma trigger of my adult life while simultaneously giving non-stop energy and attention to pushing out of the crucible of the pandemic and its pass-along effects on this family.
With the support of the absolutely-beyond-amazing friends in my life; a new acceptable therapist; pharmacology; children’s therapists; family therapists; and most specifically, an on-line support group of parents raising children like mine, I am no longer suicidal, no longer hating myself, no longer hating my life, enjoying my work, loving my partner and especially loving my children – despite their challenges that both grow as they do! I know what we need to survive together. I know some of what started to break us; and will break us again if we cannot find a way around it. I know I did not fail. I know that there are people who will continue to love me at my absolute lowest and worst; and I know that those who choose to stop loving and supporting my family are making choices that are about their strength and their capacity for understanding, compassion, love, and growth, and in the end those choices are really not about me.
I know that my self-grown family is strong and beautiful and that we will move through the present and the future with kindness, love, intention, and honesty. You are welcome to come along, on the rarely attractive, always TMI, but hopefully occasionally affirming and/or inspiring next step of this journey.