People keep having babies! And it’s SO GREAT for them, and I truly cannot wait to welcome each new loved one! But I have considered just walking around screaming at the top of my lungs, “I HAVE DONE EVERY FUCKING THING IN MY ENTIRE LIFE EXACTLY RIGHT AND IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR”. 
I overcame poverty and abuse, I got the education, I didn’t get accidentally pregnant at an inappropriate or just life-altering age, I never got arrested, I’ve never even had a fucking overdraft charge in my checking account, I took time to travel and socially develop, I went BACK to school, I got the house, and the marriage, and the therapy to actually make the marriage and parenting work, I didn’t quit a job I hate and I even transformed it into a job I DO NOT hate and get some personal satisfaction out of so we can be financially secure and have a parent able to stay home with the baby, and I even started trying while it should still have been NO BIG FUCKING DEAL, and it’s just NOT FAIR!
But I know it’s not about me or even just me that is struggling. I know so many people who have lost pregnancies in just the last year – in my age range, but also at like…27. Talk about doing everything at the right time, that’s PEAK fucking fertile years. And I see people in the hospital with two pound premature babies, and people on round X of in vitro after losing multiple priors, and people living in the NICU, and it’s NOT fair and it IS so so so common, and the pain is mostly silent most of the time (because…vaginas? I really cannot think why else…) And that knowledge of being part of a sad and frustrated mass does something to ease the rage, but nothing to lessen the sadness. While crying onto my partner last week after realizing my super-irritating opposing counsel was also pregnant, and trying, again, to consider every option I tearfully said, “I need a baby that is real and they can’t take away”. I do not know for sure that if BabyX2 was actually MINE TO KEEP whether it would mitigate these feelings of sadness and loss and failure for the actual infertility. It would least be joy – like she is! – and would remove the current additional daily stresser of uncertainty and dread of loss.
Since I cannot do a damn thing about other people having babies, or me NOT having them, or the decision on our baby not being done yet, I’ve been trying to channel my sadness into a deeper understanding of how much I CANNOT understand about the “model-minority” experience. How fucking irritating it must be to strive always and endlessly, and to still know the police might just kill you, and to know that however much your white friends are listening, and paying attention, and caring, they just cannot KNOW what that is. I tend to believe, in my heart, the “be twice as good and you can get there” theory of life which has mostly worked for me – but it’s also just not true and so much of life is just deeply, entirely, UNFAIR. I’m not great at understanding a lot of things I have not personally experienced so I could take this personal experience as life telling me off for previous lack of empathy. But also, overall I’m pretty cool being done with learning experiences.