HOOPS HOOPS MOTHERFUCKING HOOPS YA’LL.
So, this blog is currently (like me) VERY WHITE. It will be pinkified again when my partner has some time… but currently he says it’s not even on his list. I can’t imagine many things that are higher priority, but we are going to make it work, I guess. Thanks, Mr. Gunn, you help me persevere.
So, things that are generally a standard level of chaos and a-ok…let’s see! Baby X2 is SO BIG!
She can say “thank you”, “whoa whoa whoa” (or a singular whoa, but she IS my kid, and a singular whoa is rarely enough), “gentle”, “hi”, “Roma” (the dog), occasionally “hello”, and has been trying to sing along to ABCs without any understanding of words, just trying to go with it. She can walk, eat any food, and tries to put things where they go – socks on feet and combs in hair. She screams ALL THE TIME. OMG who knew this is what 1 is like? She has OPINIONS about…like…EVERYTHING. And she has a new not-so-cute but sort of hilarious action of very gently laying herself down on the floor and then rolling back and forth screaming in a mini-tantrum. It is entirely ridiculous. She loves to eat, dance, imitate sounds and actions, learn new toys, mom, dad, big sister, puppy, grandma-a, kitty, books, and playing. She has 6 teeth and a great giggle/laugh. Most importantly until the last few days she has been sleeping like a champ, which has been a great to relief to all. She is now having a growth spurt, or just a stubborn spurt, and is refusing napping/sleeping generally – not ideal but going to be ok.
And, wait for it…X3 IS KILLING IT!
She is intense, she has needs, she has to fucking touch me every 30 seconds or less, and it all of my current fantasies are of being ALONE on an island where no one EVER touches me ever again, BUT, all that said, she is really working hard and doing an amazing job. Her school gave her a new IEP and, unlike the last IEP we got, they NAILED it, they hit on her strengths and weaknesses perfectly, they actually seem to have a plan I can get behind, the kindergarten teacher has told us that things are going better than expected, and no one has called to tell us to come take our kid home early yet! She loves going to school, and she has made amazing progress SO FAST – like, the first week of school she could barely color near a line… the other day she sat down and colored in this butterfly (made at a lovely butterfly art fair!):
She has started to participate in imaginative discussion – I read blogs about developing language and vocabulary and one recommendation is to discuss and imagine what everything is or is doing – so every drive I look for things to play “can you imagine where that bus is goings?”; “there is a man on that roof, can you imagine anything he could be doing”? It used to be a resounding NO but the other day she played with me all the way to school (I think those people are going to take a bus, I think they are going to a park, I think they are going to learn a song), ALL the way to morning school! She is meeting so many goals and just growing and developing in so many ways, it’s really amazing. And, the school break from CONSTANT parenting has meant that my partner and kiddo are able to interact freshly each day, and are playing and bonding and it’s great – she has been asking dad for hugs and cuddles and playing and it’s really really refreshing and relieving to see them able to enjoy each other and start building that attachment.
Most most most importantly – X3 has transitioned to sleeping on her own! This is probably the single greatest thing that has happened in the last 5 months for all of us. She worked REALLY HARD at this transition, and she keeps working hard at it. She is actually sleeping through the night most nights now, and when she does get up, she can usually put herself back to sleep (we watch on the monitor, of course). Her therapy recommended a build-a-bear with my voice in it and I was all “eh, that seems silly but they have been right about everything else” and doggoned if they aren’t right about this too! Having an hour or two at night most nights with my partner to just chill and watch TV and fold laundry or speak about life makes a huge difference in livability.
Which is lucky, because right now is intense at work. I just had my first ever civil jury trial and it went as perfectly as could ever be expected, but it was still A LOT of work and was hard on the family – work in the early morning, get kid ready for school, work all day, maybe home for dinner, work late into the night. Exhausting on all of us. A colleague has a sudden significant illness and I have to step up to take up the slack, and it’s A LOT of work and hard on the family. Honestly, my partner just looked at me the other day and said “you are being a real jerk and you need to stop”. And he wasn’t wrong! To my credit, I DID stop – BUT neither my mom of the year nor my partner of the year award were in the mail for sure… And even not being a jerk, I am operating at a really high anxiety level which means I never relax and I can’t enjoy things – even when nothing is specifically wrong. And this stupid shoulder (that acts up when I work too much) just won’t stop hurting. WHY did I stop going to PT? Why did I not keep on top of the PT exercises and do everything perfectly so that it somehow magically or scientifically stopped hurting?
But what is MORE painful than this stupid shoulder and anxiety dreams about work and letting my family down all the time is the sheer number of constant annoying and ridiculous hoops that we jump through to keep moving forward (or at least treading water) in making these kids our permanent family. Adopting children through foster care has a lot of financial advantages, as well as being socially and emotionally fulfilling (and socially and emotionally difficult!) but the number one drawback of fostering generally, and fostering to adopt specifically, is THE ENDLESS HOOPS. Here is an example of the general hoops on top of, you know, PARENTING these children:
Foster care training – must attend 13 hours of foster care training each year. No child care is provided. Also, most of it is CRAPPY. And you have to take awful FAS training EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR.
Adopting? – Must attend a 3 hour session (I did mine last month). No child care is provided. There are two locations – a 45 minute drive OR from 1-4 p.m. on a week day! There is actually good info in this session – but it is ALWAYS derailed immediately by someone with an entirely case-specific inquiry that derails the entire discussion FOREVER and then all the useful information is rushed through to get back to FAS info and video!
Home Inspections – Licensing worker comes 4 times a year for one hour each to make sure everything is ok with your home. My licensing worker and I do not get along. She doesn’t know how to do her job, she is always wrong about what she is saying, AND she went back to her supervisor and created some annoying problems for us – that were immediately solved as soon as her supervisor ACTUALLY HEARD the real situation – but it was SO ANNOYING AGAIN. And, it’s not just us – I met other parents in situation very similar to ours, with very similar complaints!
Child Inspections – Social work for the kids come once each month for an hour to touch base with the kiddos. Our recent social worker has been AMAZING! She is our third so far… and of course, now she is gone… we get a new one next week! So, we have to have an extra inspection this month for transition purposes!
Guardian Ad Litem – GAL comes to the house once each month for an hour or so to touch base with the kiddos. Our GAL is ALSO pretty great! Recently, I’ve felt a lot of pressure to do something I disagree with – but she has really listened and understands our position – and is supporting us. But her presence is really activating to X3 so it’s pretty hard on the household to have her visits.
Court Appearances – Currently, ours are every 3 months. They always call your case an hour late, so that’s half your day. You do not have to go, but it’s your only chance to speak on behalf of the kids and/or find out the actual stage of your case. In my case, I went to the last hearing SPECIFICALLY to speak to a very specific adoption issue. An issue I was told was being addressed at the hearing. So I filed a statement a full month before the hearing. Then, at the hearing, was told it would NOT be heard, because it was a brand new issue that no one had had time to address – EXCEPT I HAD FILED MY RESPONSE TO THE ISSUE A MONTH EARLIER. I work in the system, I am comfortable in court, and I just cannot believe how difficult it is to have any sort of reasonable forward progress in any case.
Visitation – Our first placement we had 2-3 three visits with parents per week, often not scheduled until 8 p.m. the night before, and yes, foster parents provide all the transportation. With our kiddos, the parent often didn’t show up so by the time we got our baby, the visits were down to once a week, so we only had to transport once a week – but we know foster parents transporting 4 or more times per week, sometimes for up to an hour each way.
Therapy – All of these kiddos should be in therapy, and many are. For X3’s treatment, we meet with her personal therapist quarterly, with monthly check-ins and we have two required in-home 90 minute sessions. (That’s another 3+ hours/month if you are counting!). Plus, we transport her there and then to actual school every day.
Injury Reports – any time blood is drawn on your kid, you have to fill out an injury report and send it to the social worker. DO YOU KNOW HOW OFTEN KIDS HAVE NORMAL THINGS? like falling on the playground? Or getting a scratch? Or hitting their lip on a table? I know TWO separate kids who knocked out their teeth on the playground – in addition to the usual parenting stress of a hurt kid that you desperately want to help, I also live in mortal terror of being called out for my kids getting hurt just being normal kids!
JUST OTHER STUFF – until you adopt (if you ever do) DHS says what you do or do not do – and you often have to agree to it if you want to adopt too. We have other family members, so we have two additional visits a month, meaning we drive our kids 45 minutes each way for a visit every other Sunday (and will continue to do so even after adopting!). We can’t approve medical treatment like dental care or psychiatric care, but have to schedule and provide it, so if we get there, and don’t have EXACTLY the right form (which providers often do not tell you about in advance) then you get to the appointment and it doesn’t take place! And you already drove through rush hour, and now ALSO have to reschedule and do it AGAIN hoping you get the right everything! This horrible experience has happened to my partner with X3 twice. You can’t travel with your kiddos… we live an hour from the Wisconsin border and need to obtain special court pre-approval any time we want to drive across that line.
In August, between foster care hoops, and parenting stuff (doctor appointments, IEP meetings, extra pre-school starting meeting, court preparation filing) I spent AT LEAST 20 weekday hours jumping through hoops (not including transportation) most of which just served to make life harder for all of us. I have no problem with the CONCEPT of most things, especially accountability, but when you actually start to DO it, you see why people foster for the money – because if you are already devoting that much time to in-home meetings, and trainings,you might as well have 5 kids at your house instead of two – way more money, and most of the hoops can be done at once for all 5 so you get a lot more bang for your hoop jumping.
I want to get through to adoption because these are my kids and I want the legal document that says it. But from a practical standpoint, I want to be DONE with other people telling me every single thing about every single thing, and being all up in my business every second, and taking up all of my already limited time, and holding requirements over my head with the threat of taking away the kids if I do not agree to things. The complete imposition of constant unending hoops, including ones that are just…unnecessary and annoying…is the number one reason we are discussing dropping our license as soon as we get through adoption. WHICH WE WILL SOME DAY GET THROUGH!