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EVERYTHING IS AWFUL

This last month has just straight up sucked.  I was sick for three weeks.  I was exhausted, everything hurt, and nothing stopped.  Everyday I hauled my butt up and went to work (to everyone’s joy – everyone loves that colleague that comes to work sick…I’m pretty sure that’s how I got sick in the first place), but I was sick and was not as effective so I still fell further behind – but I didn’t miss any deadlines and got my major projects done.  Because I was working and caring for a baby, I never got enough rest, so I just kept getting sicker.  Because I was sick and working all the time, I didn’t have as much ability to help with the baby, leaving my partner to pick up the slack and cutting off my already limited time with baby.  It was a circle of hell.

It was also Thanksgiving, a time of family and relaxation.  Except that every Thanksgiving my very…challenging…FIL comes to town. Twelve days of my partner being constantly stressed to the breaking point.  Of me not working enough, to try to help and be available, and falling more behind at work.  My BIL also came to town and was honestly nothing but lovely to be around, but a houseguest is always a little extra stress.  There was partner stress, there was family stress, there was baby stress, on top of an overextended my own self.  It was not awesome.

By the time we were through Thanksgiving, I was less sick.  Instead, my achilles tendon had started acting up and I was in pain every second, and walking with an embarrassing and debilitating limp. I actually considered crutches it was so bad – and driving was a special form of agony.  I haven’t taken time to keep up with my PT for my shoulder/neck (thanks again, work!) pain, and that started up again.  I developed three canker sores.  We sat down to dinner at a restaurant one evening and I bumped my knee on the table and I literally just put my head down and started crying.

And through it all, a constant nearly overwhelming sadness and fear because we believe it is most likely our baby will go back to bio-parent(s).  Even if that ends up being a good thing (it doesn’t look good to us right now – but we deliberately keep as much distance as we can, because we have no say in the process and we have to trust the system we are a part of to do the best for these children) it will be beyond heartbreaking.  Aside from the complete agony and loss for us, I just cannot stand the thought of the curiosity and joy that currently shines out from my baby leaching away in a home that doesn’t encourage and foster learning and opportunities.  I’ve seen the older children and they do not have my baby’s spark at all – they have the deadened eyes of trauma survivors.  For very good reason.  But it makes it pretty hard to be sanguine about letting go of this baby.  It’s also a constant form of self-doubt about what we are doing – it’s hard not to feel like you are a part of a constant legacy of colonialism/racism, when the majority of foster parents are white, and a disproportionate (but not majority) of children in care are children of color.  It’s hard to wish so desperately for this child to be raised outside its culture in part because of the joy it will bring US.  On the other hand, if it wasn’t us, it would be someone else – it might as well be us.  And we, again, stay distant from the actual process.

Baby(x)3 is also on the horizon – and not-so-much a baby.  We are in a holding pattern, because everything hinges on what is going to happen with permanency planning for current baby X2, who may or may not come with babyX3 -but more likely than not WILL. But my little hands itch to get ahold of that child – because my limited information shows me that possible-X3 is not getting the help and support ze needs to get over the ACES already experienced, to get school ready, to get emotional support, to catch upon the things that have already been missed.  The longer you are desperately running from behind carrying all the weight, the harder it is to close those gaps.  Just gimme!

We made it through sick and through holiday 1, and through the entire awful month of November.  So far, December has been just as awful. The holidays are never fun for us, and I already know it is because I work too much and have too many families pulling in too many directions at an already incredibly busy time of year – and there is nothing I can think of to DO about it.  I was on the phone with a boss/colleague yesterday (that’s right, Saturday!) and he said “don’t you have a baby? Don’t work too hard!)  And it was all I could do not to say, “I’m doing work FOR YOU!”.  Argh. So rude.

It is my partner’s birthday tomorrow.  I have to work – a lot.  I got him no presents.  My baby currently shows a very slight preference for him, which is FINE he’s the primary caregiver, but it totally makes me sad.  We have no amazing plans for today (except I will not work ALL DAY!).  I’m entirely exhausted and miserable about the level of needs not being met – work expectations not met, my partner’s very reasonable need for time with me without a baby, my baby’s need for time with me. And whatever my needs are, they are so far down the list of needs not being met right now I cannot even take the time to identify them.  I’m stressed, snippy, difficult, and down.  And that’s just how now is.