One of the questions that plagues pre-adoptive parents is “can it be enough”? Will I really, truly, love this child the same as if I built it from my own body and soul? Contrary to popular pressure, there is nothing shameful in this thought – it means you are spending the time doing the work before hand, because IT IS NOT THE SAME as producing a child traditionally.
Attachment is some real shit, yo, and it really, truly, matters in every aspect of parenting. When a wanted child is birthed into your home, you have (usually!) spent a number of months preparing – talking to a swollen tummy, changing your lifestyle, preparing a room, planning for the future. Before that baby ever pops its head out, parents are ALREADY attached. It’s likely part of why children are not murdered during those early sleepless days… (it’s also, in my opinion, a piece of why shaken baby syndrome is much more likely from young male caregivers – in addition to being more prone to flash rage/frustration and less in control, they are less likely to pre-attach to a somewhat amorphous concept of a future baby). We see the effects of long-term lifetime attachment (and lack thereof) every day in our household, it is so much easier to deal with X2 when she is being a terror than X3 when she is being a terror; it’s entirely UNFAIR to X3 and to us, but it’s just part of your emotional reality – and something to be honestly considered if a person makes a decision to choose adoption – especially of any non-infant.
Even of an infant, attachment is NOT immediate when you adopt (I am obviously assuming our adoption will go through in this post). I’ve personally known people and read blogs and heard the stories of others who felt like failures because they did not IMMEDIATELY just LOVE their adoptive infants. I know many people who felt like the child was not really “theirs” for some time. I know my partner took a lot longer to attach to fully attach to X2 than I did – he’s not that into babies anyway, the complete upheaval of his life was overwhelming, and we had less than 24 hours notice from call of “hey, kiddo” to “new baby in arms!” (despite more than 3 years planning to have family, and 8 months preparing to foster, the actual call to placement of a foster child is still a FAST change when it hits).
And, there are a LOT of other questions; Whether you will feel sad day after day to know that this child will never look like you or anyone in your life (spend 10 minutes around individuals with biological children and you will hear a LOT of commentary about “sure looks like dad” or “those eyes are pure grandma” or “she comes by that naturally”). That you will never have a full medical background? Is intelligence inherited and is your child going to be somehow deficient? You can never be SURE that the bio-mother did not drink or do drugs. Is the behavior that is frustrating you as a parent your fault, the child’s personality, biology, or ADOPTION in some way? For cross-racial adoptions, you are taking on obligations that are much more and weighty; CAN you possibly do these children and their culture of origin justice in choosing to make this parenting choice? And with all these questions, with all these additional burdens on top of choosing to parent, will that hole in your heart be filled? Because most people do not choose non-traditional family-building without a hole to fill – it’s just TOO HARD!
But I can say, unequivocally, without reservation, without hesitation, that an adoptive child is ENOUGH. I will always be sad that I CANNOT grow a child; I miss having the option, and I miss having the chance to physically experience all the changes, and I am sad that we never had that months long time for excitement and anticipation. But, I cannot imagine, under any circumstances, that it would be possible to love a child more than we love X2. It’s harder with X3, through no fault of hers or ours; like I said, attachment is real, and nothing but time can overcome time. She had nearly 5 years to become NOT OURS and we are only 8 months in to OURS and so much progress has been made on both sides, but it’s a painful journey growing into one form from very separate root structures. But as a family, our experience could not be richer if we had produced these children through our own DNA.
So, for anyone considering adoptive parenthood and wondering, questioning, scared, or hopeful, ADOPTION IS ABSOLUTELY ENOUGH.