So, X3 is out of control. Like, I know we have been saying that, but now we are again saying it.
We have been telling her therapist for literally 8 months THIS IS A CRISIS. A CRISIS. Have I mentioned “IT IS A CRISIS?”.
A week or so ago, we arrived at “defiant plus out of control”. She won’t go to her room – she just looks at us and screams “NO. I won’t. I DO NOT WANT TO”. If you carry her there, she fights all the way – grabbing pictures, railings, doors. If you set her in, she won’t stay in. If you hold the door closed she screams, throws her body against it, and tries to break it down. All of these are now rage tantrums, not sadness tantrums and not dissociative tantrums. (Also, my brother is here and he’s tried the not-a-parent or soft-touch interventions, and those are also no-gos!),
If we put ourselves in time out away from her to try to stay calm and non-escalated, she tries to break down our bedroom door. I was literally sitting our bedroom, me, my partner, and X2, with the door locked while she tried to break it down, while screaming, and I considered that this HAS to be a specific enumerated circle of some kind of hell. Then she took off to break shit in the house and I had to come out – she wins as usual!
After this, we created the crisis plan that I sit in her room with her, blocking the door, and just ignore her. I stay calm and she is not alone, but she has to stay in her room until she is safe and calm. She spent the entire time trying to break things (that were then removed), growling like a dog while hitting me with things, and smacking my glasses off my face, unhooking my watch from my arms, and physically trying to push and pull my body. My favorite from her therapist “if she hits you, immediately move to the outside of the room to show her it is not ok” – so now we are back to physically holding a room door shut from the outside while she screams and tries to break it down, or bangs her bed into the wall?
This went on for so long we used our ultimate threat, if she can’t stop screaming, being unsafe, and fighting with her body, we will have to a call a crisis line and get help. WE are getting out of control, wanting to hit her back, wanting to spank, not being safe in the ways we are trying to put her in a safe hold (she is strong, and she fights, and I can’t get her in a hold anymore. I have an injured thumb from trying). She calmed right down “will you make sure they are safe people? And after the hospital or doctor teaches me to be calm can I come back here to live?”… Me “well, you are being calm and talking calmly right now, you could just listen and go to your room for 5 minutes and we wouldn’t have to call anyone”… her:”NOO” and lunges at my face growling.
So, we somehow get through that night. And the next day we talk and do a reset – rights vs. privileges. We will not call anyone to come get her unless we have to for safety. We are sorry we said that, we felt out of control and did not know what to do. There are things in the life that are rights: enough food, a bed, a warm house, love, clothes, safety; and we will not threaten to remove any of those again (I have in fact, thrown away her tablet and threatened to throw away all her clothes during these interactions. I’m not proud. But you fucking deal with this and see how great your choices are. Also I got her tablet back out of the garbage after). Other things are privileges. She gets no candy, treats, cake, game time, TV, tablet, etc. unless she earns them by doing her kid jobs like brushing teeth, getting dressed, going to bed at night, going to her room when she doesn’t listen.
Wednesday morning, another explosion. We finally put her in her school stuff and set her outside the front door where she screamed non-stop until the school bus came. Then she was quiet and had another great day at school! She loves school!
Last night, Thursday night, another explosion. During the explosion, after asking and redirecting many times, I explained she would not have a cookie with everyone else after dinner. So she spent the next 25 minutes hitting me, screaming at me, running her body into me if I walked anywhere, holding onto my feet, and eventually hitting me hard enough to leave a mark.
Meanwhile, as noted for the last 8 fucking months, I have been telling her therapist it IS A FUCKING CRISIS AT THIS HOUSE. And, I have been directly and immediately reporting EVERY ONE of these interactions, because they are too big, I’m sure they are re-traumatizing, I need her to be able to truthfully talk to her therapist and say “my mom and dad are mean, they are physically moving me, they are throwing away my stuff” without being worried that it is a family secret – we do not keep secrets in this family, in this house. And her therapist suggests the same things we have been doing FOR THREE FUCKING YEARS NOW.
And she says “it seems like you are really being triggered by your own traumas”. YES. WE ARE. We each have abusive parents who controlled our lives. And now we have an abusive 7 yr old controlling everything – and YES I know that sounds fucking insane!! I FEEL FUCKING INSANE.
Today, I asked her therapist to show me a new safety hold, so that I have a response that is calming/controlling and keeps everyone safe. She responded later that she cannot tell me any holds, their hold trainer cannot tell me any holds, and if things are bad this weekend she recommends calling a crisis line – and gave me two places. So I called them both, to see in advance what would happen. One is out of service, just doesn’t exist! The other “talks to you and your child to see if they could benefit from therapy or other services”. THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. I WISH I KNEW IF MY CHILD COULD BENEFIT FROM THERAPY. (I mean, I actually am kind of starting to wonder if there is any benefit to child therapy).
Her therapist keeps saying “she is testing boundaries; she has a dysregulated attachment system; she tests and tests and tests”. OK! She has WON THE FUCKING TEST! We don’t want to do this any more. Our lives are entirely run by her, if she is having a good day, we can all have a decent day. If she is not, everyone is miserable.
Oh, and our precious X2 alternates between (1) being scared by the chaos; (2) imitating the negative chaos behaviors; and (3) being a perfect joy trying to please and comfort everyone. At freaking 3 years old. Therapist advice: help her process. She is going to have to process having X3 for a sister.
WHEN IS X3 GOING TO PROCESS BEING A HUMAN WITH HUMAN RESPONSIBILITIES EVEN AT A 7 YR OLD LEVEL?
When I talk to anyone at all, I just sound like such a rageful asshole. I know it. I feel it. And I cannot feel any other way. People remind us “find a way to get help, find a way to take a break, this is not humanly sustainable”.
We know. And there is. no. help. We can call the police. I like to think I will never lose it and spank or hit my kid – but I honestly and truly believe that would be better than calling the police to come get her. I will call the police if she goes for the knives (you know, testing!), or there is a physical non-containable true danger, but otherwise, there is still nothing and no one.