Month: April 2018

We are at one of the many moments of major change.

Baby X 3 moves in next week!  She has expressed that she wants this, which is about the biggest win we could have in this complicated and heartbreaking story.  We have talked a lot about the concept of small-ball family – we are going to be a family, everyone who lives in our house, and we also have lots of other people we love, that wrap around us like a bigger ball – that’s our big-ball (teehee) family.  Family is the people we love and the people that take care of us and keep us safe.  She seems into the concept – but like, with all the ups and downs of uncertainty and change that you can expect in a little person with no history of stability.

Last weekend went MUCH BETTER than the weekend before, although I will note that I was already on the floor in tears by 9:00 a.m. on Saturday as the result of a long, nearly inexplicable, saga about shoes, which was specifically designed to trigger all my control issues (and was 99% NOT even remotely the fault of babyX3).  But it came after a very intense Friday night that included her refusing to get in the car and instead throwing every single item out of it while screaming at me to “pick it up”.  She doesn’t handle transitions super-well…

Thank GOODNESS for my brother, bonus-sis, and niece, and nephew, who accepted that we were not going to make it without backup and totally allowed us to come with to their already-scheduled pancake breakfast.  Outings, park time, other kidlets, playing outside, and stream of “big-ball family” visitors meant that the day went as well as could humanly be hoped.  BUT the more relaxed our kidel gets, the more insight we are given into her history and emotional status; end-of-day bathtime involved incredibly intense violent make-believe play with her toys. Stories of threatened beatings, shootings, calling the police; she actually broke the soap tray right out of the wall she was intense (not her fault, no one was angry!).  Her therapist has said to let her process and that the best signs of trust is her letting us join her in her play, so we let it go as long as she needs (with occasional requests to lower her voice a small amount since baby is sleeping right next to bathroom).

Oh, therapy! THERAPY! I cannot overstate how helpful therapy has already been in (1) helping US feel supported and like there is longterm possibility for healing and good relationships; and (2) giving us practical statements that have ACTUALLY HELPED in the moment.  An actually helpful foster-class suggested leaning into negative behaviors in safe ways if you can – i.e. kid throwing things? Offer to sit down and throw soft things (pillows, stuffies, etc.) with them.  So easy, and so not intuitive to me! Totally did this and it WORKED PERFECTLY a few weeks ago – throwing things has not been a thing since.

Recently, the therapist reminded us to look for the need triggering the behavior and suggested that our little miss both wants the attention the baby gets and never had the chance to be a full baby that she should have.  Leaning into that idea, we have responded to her like the baby and she has actually been asking for baby-specific things: Carry me like a baby? feed me like a baby? This is again, SO EASY, and she has responded so well! And, hopefully, is getting those long-term needs met and learning that we love her AND the baby.  It’s almost re-attachment-parenting. Being so intensely present and constantly available and fulfilling any and all needs until she is safe and secure enough that she WANTS to be a big girl and feels safe to explore the world, not feeling that everything is survival mode. It’s not EASY but it makes SENSE and is a practical thing we can do!

This week and weekend we are having our last time without babyX3 because I am travelling for work, and then we are out of town for the weekend. It’s been a time to refocus on baby, who is growing, developing, chirping, starting to move around in funny ways that aren’t crawling but are purposeful (often still backwards), and DEFINITELY now knows who her parents are; she is still a friendly happy baby, but she is always clocking us, and doesn’t like to be set down to play on her own much.  She has been giving sleep a try for the last few days, which has been downright miraculous – we are not counting on it lasting.

We are stillllllll going.  Because, that’s what you do, right? When you sign up to parent?  Of course usually you don’t jump in the deep end with bricks on your feet during your first swim lesson.  Have I mentioned it’s just A LOT right now?

My job is not a “job”.  I never get to leave it behind.  I work way too much, with WAAAAYYY too much emotional investment in my job.  I am answerable to the harshest mistresss (me) and my colleagues, and my clients, and the court’s timelines, and there is no time off, unless you are literally hospitalized – and then only sometimes.  I’ve worked 36 straight hours, while on vacation in Europe, the Caribbean, and Canada, and from under a table at a science fiction convention.  I’m writing this blog from a hotel on an overnight work trip.  My colleagues have taken work calls in an ambulance after a heart attack and have written submissions while hospitalized.  And I am NOT a “type A” personality.  I’m just stubborn with an overwhelming fear of failure.  So all that spare capacity – that energy that you use to deal with dumb shit, or pain, or minor frustrations with your spouse, or not getting enough sleep – has already been all used up on my job.

And now, we are bringing a new little girl that is a huge ball of chaos, intensity, and frustration, into our home and it just feels impossible; even just trying to give her constant positive love is like a full-contact emotional sport.  It is exhausting and there is a moment when it becomes nearly impossible to say “I love you so much” when what I WANT to say is “Why the hell can’t you just do the thing I say to do, and NOT do the thing I say NOT to do? WHY?! YOU UNDERSTAND WORDS!”

There is just nothing left of me and I am so terrified that I cannot be what this girl needs – and that, in my darkest most honest moments, I really don’t WANT TO.  Do we ever REALLY want to take the absolute fucking hardest path? Wouldn’t it be nice if JUST ONCE it was something easy and nice?  I don’t WANT to never have personal time again, to never go out with adults again, I don’t WANT to spend every night not sleeping with my partner, I don’t WANT to work extra hours at night when I’m already short on sleep (because our kids just refuse to sleep) because I have to go to more foster care license training, family therapy, intensive day-treatment, and IEP meetings.  I don’t WANT to never be able to travel again and to lose the last vestiges of the me that had fun and excitement and adventure.

But of course I DO want to do it – because I don’t HAVE to do this, I’ve chosen it.  And, I AM doing it – we are already all-in – we told this little girl she is coming to live with us and that she will never again have to move in with a new family or wonder what her future holds again.  You don’t say that shit unless you already committed.

There are so many things that are not terrible.  She does SO MUCH BETTER with us than she does at her current foster home – which of course makes us feel even more stressed out and guilty because it’s still about three weeks until she is permanently with us (OMG it’s less than three weeks until this is permanent and happening!).  She is clearly not a sociopath, she loves our animals and desperately WANTS to be loved and close – she just has no idea how to have any sort of healthy relationship.  She seems to respond much better to men than women, which is going to be a constant source of stress for ME, but also, my male partner is the one who is going to be home with her full time so it’s maybe a perfect situation for her and certainly better than the reverse.  We have a great therapist that gives me hope every time I meet with her.  I cannot overstate how amazing my family and friends are, including listening to me think and feel horrible things and not being judgmental and instead being as supportive as humanly possible.  It’s just … A LOT.