Month: December 2017

I’m sitting in my bed at 9:00 p.m., eating third lunch, and getting ready to go to sleep at my now-standard time of 9:30.  It’s not dinner, because this morning I brought a large amount of delicious best-friend-shepard-pie to work for lunches for today and tomorrow.  At 11:00 a.m. I ate lunch.  At 2:30 p.m. I could not resist knowing it was sitting in the fridge and ate second lunch.  When I got home at 8:15 p.m., my partner had already eaten (logically) and so I figured I’d eat the second small tupperware of the same leftovers.  Third lunch.

Things are still a little hard and also way better but sometimes not as much better as I want. You know?  Like, I had an AMAZING weekend at the cabin with besties.  But there is a little moment as I am going to bed before everyone, and getting up in the night with little, and getting up early with little, that I am … wistful … that even with being able to bring baby with, and everyone loving and being great about it, my role in the world is just different.  Still great! But in moments where everyone else can be the same as we always were, it’s bitter-sweet to be in different. I still got lots of great and same and always and that was so nice! But still…different.

Along those lines, we have made a hard decision that we will NOT be going out for NYE.  Even though my beyond-freaking-amazing sister said she would spend the night at our house with baby including the middle of the night feeding/wake-up.  It just doesn’t feel right – it’s really not reasonable to ask someone to take on the task of middle of the night baby needs which range from very best scenario (to bed at normal time, with one 1/2 hour to hour middle of the night feeding and soothing) to worst (up every 1/2 hour, inconsolable).  And, if we are out and partying down, we are not available to come home or make good decisions if something goes wrong and we get an emergency call.  And if we are too hung over to be functional the next day and be excited and fun, we are not being good parents to our little.  Making this decision was both super hard and really relieving.

And, before anyone says anything about the relative unimportance of NYE let me invite you to fudge right off and make your value judgments about YOUR life.  NYE is my absolute MOST favorite holiday of the year. Not because of being “wasted” (my first pregnancy was on NYE and only the BFF and partner knew I was entirely sober and still having a lovely time).  It’s because after the stress of every family pulling every direction, and needing presents, and end-of the-year work goals, and just general meeting of every need and obligation, I always spend NYE dressing up and getting down with my most important people – not every single important, sadly – but a concerted effort to spend that night celebrating the past and welcoming the future with the people I have chosen to hold close to my heart.  NYE is about new beginnings, about taking stock of where you are, who you are, where you want to go, who you want to be, and how you want to achieve those goals. It’s about remembering where you’ve been and acknowledging the work, and sorrow, and disappointments, and successes, and joy, of the last year.

If I never ever hear another person complain about how NY resolutions are stupid, or caring about new years is stupid because it’s an arbitrary date and each day is the same, I will still have heard too many whiny people spitting on other people’s joy for no good reason. Marking the passage of time has meaning, and is important to different people in different ways. Sometimes, the only way I have gotten through an emotionally dark time is knowing that time DOES pass and even pure unadulterated misery cannot stop new days from dawning and things changing and, eventually, something pleasurable or joyful from happening.  A former partner asked me why I loved each new month and especially each new year and I said, “it’s a new year (or just month), ANYTHING can happen!” I LOVE that feeling!!  And when I realize I haven’t been having that feeling, it’s a sign I need to slow down and find a way to be present and take time to rest and renew.

We are in a place where I spend a LOT of time reflecting (despite feeling like I have no time to just BE).  I know I will be both sad and happy about my decision on NYE.  I know that this next year is going to bring some significant emotional journeying.  I know I will find a way to spend time with my most important people on NYE at some point – just different.   And I may even find myself going to bed at 9:30 and wishing that I had yet more lunch.

In keeping with the cognitive dissonance that seems to be my life, there is so much greatness running through all of the misery of the last month.  BabyX2 could not be more amazing.  Ze is great – rolling over early, talking, shrieking, babbling, grabbing things, starting to sleep at night regularly (YAAAAAASSSSSS).  Baby’s favorite things are faces, looking at baby’s self in the mirror, babbling, and having someone talk whale (from Finding Nemo).  Baby still loves Hello Animals and Hello Bugs, but is seeing color better, and will often sit through a reading of “Please, Baby, Please”.  Baby rolled all the way to one side recently, but didn’t notice thank goodness – NOT READY!  Baby has started to like bathes, some, being lotioned, some, and attention LOTS!

Our family is so amazing.  So much support, love, time, and effort for our process and for our baby – even though no one knows how long baby will be with us. My in-laws agreed to do a puzzle room as a family activity over Thanksgiving, and it was such a great time! I cannot believe how lucky I got with bonus-sisters and I am hopeful that I can raise children to be half as amazing as my partner’s amazing grown-up nieces.

My friends are so amazing! They take every call and listen to every tear – even when it’s the exact same thing we already talked about…again.  They take care of baby, they take care of me, they take care of my partner.

Despite being overwhelmed and stressed out and overworked, I have received so much support from my colleagues, both in terms of asking about baby, and recently giving positive feedback as to my work product and my future.  It’s a huge relief after a hellish week pushing through tired, sick, and busy, to hear effusive positive feedback.  I often wish I didn’t care so much about those types of feedback, but since I DO it IS awfully nice to get it.

We have our first Christmas tree since we became a couple! And, I took all my small little metal trees to work and I have a small forest of holiday trees to cheer me up every day!

We are able to take a weekend away next weekend, and my very closest inner circle is able to join us, and I am literally living for that break.  I have hope if I push really hard now in the front half of the month, I will be able to take a couple days and actually relax during the holidays, and make time to spend with family and friends, and my tiny family.  When I stop worrying about the future with baby and remember to spend the moment, it is generally pure joy (except at 2:30 a.m.  But nothing is very joyful at 2:30 a.m.)

When I texted at the last minute this morning, my inner circle jumped into gear, and we had a lovely day out in celebration of my partner’s 41’st sun-rotation.  We had food, and beverages, and played video games, and it was honestly delightful.

My foot is getting better, my canker sores have healed.  I’ve been doing my PT stretches and my neck is going to loosen up.  If I work a 14 hour day tomorrow, I will be on track for the rest of the week.  We just need to get through the next 4 days…This is doable.

This last month has just straight up sucked.  I was sick for three weeks.  I was exhausted, everything hurt, and nothing stopped.  Everyday I hauled my butt up and went to work (to everyone’s joy – everyone loves that colleague that comes to work sick…I’m pretty sure that’s how I got sick in the first place), but I was sick and was not as effective so I still fell further behind – but I didn’t miss any deadlines and got my major projects done.  Because I was working and caring for a baby, I never got enough rest, so I just kept getting sicker.  Because I was sick and working all the time, I didn’t have as much ability to help with the baby, leaving my partner to pick up the slack and cutting off my already limited time with baby.  It was a circle of hell.

It was also Thanksgiving, a time of family and relaxation.  Except that every Thanksgiving my very…challenging…FIL comes to town. Twelve days of my partner being constantly stressed to the breaking point.  Of me not working enough, to try to help and be available, and falling more behind at work.  My BIL also came to town and was honestly nothing but lovely to be around, but a houseguest is always a little extra stress.  There was partner stress, there was family stress, there was baby stress, on top of an overextended my own self.  It was not awesome.

By the time we were through Thanksgiving, I was less sick.  Instead, my achilles tendon had started acting up and I was in pain every second, and walking with an embarrassing and debilitating limp. I actually considered crutches it was so bad – and driving was a special form of agony.  I haven’t taken time to keep up with my PT for my shoulder/neck (thanks again, work!) pain, and that started up again.  I developed three canker sores.  We sat down to dinner at a restaurant one evening and I bumped my knee on the table and I literally just put my head down and started crying.

And through it all, a constant nearly overwhelming sadness and fear because we believe it is most likely our baby will go back to bio-parent(s).  Even if that ends up being a good thing (it doesn’t look good to us right now – but we deliberately keep as much distance as we can, because we have no say in the process and we have to trust the system we are a part of to do the best for these children) it will be beyond heartbreaking.  Aside from the complete agony and loss for us, I just cannot stand the thought of the curiosity and joy that currently shines out from my baby leaching away in a home that doesn’t encourage and foster learning and opportunities.  I’ve seen the older children and they do not have my baby’s spark at all – they have the deadened eyes of trauma survivors.  For very good reason.  But it makes it pretty hard to be sanguine about letting go of this baby.  It’s also a constant form of self-doubt about what we are doing – it’s hard not to feel like you are a part of a constant legacy of colonialism/racism, when the majority of foster parents are white, and a disproportionate (but not majority) of children in care are children of color.  It’s hard to wish so desperately for this child to be raised outside its culture in part because of the joy it will bring US.  On the other hand, if it wasn’t us, it would be someone else – it might as well be us.  And we, again, stay distant from the actual process.

Baby(x)3 is also on the horizon – and not-so-much a baby.  We are in a holding pattern, because everything hinges on what is going to happen with permanency planning for current baby X2, who may or may not come with babyX3 -but more likely than not WILL. But my little hands itch to get ahold of that child – because my limited information shows me that possible-X3 is not getting the help and support ze needs to get over the ACES already experienced, to get school ready, to get emotional support, to catch upon the things that have already been missed.  The longer you are desperately running from behind carrying all the weight, the harder it is to close those gaps.  Just gimme!

We made it through sick and through holiday 1, and through the entire awful month of November.  So far, December has been just as awful. The holidays are never fun for us, and I already know it is because I work too much and have too many families pulling in too many directions at an already incredibly busy time of year – and there is nothing I can think of to DO about it.  I was on the phone with a boss/colleague yesterday (that’s right, Saturday!) and he said “don’t you have a baby? Don’t work too hard!)  And it was all I could do not to say, “I’m doing work FOR YOU!”.  Argh. So rude.

It is my partner’s birthday tomorrow.  I have to work – a lot.  I got him no presents.  My baby currently shows a very slight preference for him, which is FINE he’s the primary caregiver, but it totally makes me sad.  We have no amazing plans for today (except I will not work ALL DAY!).  I’m entirely exhausted and miserable about the level of needs not being met – work expectations not met, my partner’s very reasonable need for time with me without a baby, my baby’s need for time with me. And whatever my needs are, they are so far down the list of needs not being met right now I cannot even take the time to identify them.  I’m stressed, snippy, difficult, and down.  And that’s just how now is.